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When it came time to choose a college, I decided to double down on all of it.Īs signing day was fast-approaching, I had different offers to play football from multiple colleges. So that’s exactly what I did, ignoring being gay and instead focusing on football.
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The only things I knew how to be were athletic and masculine, and to pursue sports for as long as I possibly could. I feared that people would not want to give me the awards I had earned if they knew I was gay. I sometimes overcompensated with hyper-masculinity, often using the word “gay” synonymously with being weak, just to make sure I would never be found out. I feared that people assumed being gay meant not being masculine. I was also a captain of my team, and I feared that if anybody knew I was gay they would not want to be led by me. I was a “jock.” I was “big man on campus.” Masculinity was something with which I never had a problem because I was a “normal,” masculine high school athlete. Andre Apodaca was a standout on the Silver Creek (Colo.) High School football team. On Friday nights my church took the form of a field, and it held a similar power over my psyche. I thought that by going to church and being involved, I could “pray the gay away.” I thought God would miraculously fix me one day. I was very active in my church, going to a youth group weekly, and even leading a middle school youth group. This didn't really anger me, it just scared me every time I heard it, driving me even further into the closet. Was he talking to me? Right from the pulpit down to the pew? While I know he wasn’t, it felt like he was talking directly to me – directly at me. I was always happy to go to Sunday church with my family, but there were times when I specifically remember hearing from the preacher that homosexuality is a sin. I was unsure of what being gay really meant, and I wasn’t ready to deal with the repercussions of being a “gay Christian athlete.” Those three things didn't seem to mesh well with each other.īoth of my family’s religions played a huge role in that. Growing up I always knew I was different, which sounds clichéd. While football was my family’s de facto religion, I was raised in a Christian non-denominational home, going to church every Sunday with my family. I was fortunate enough to play under my dad as my head coach, and alongside my brother. 11 in the Colorado high school football record books for most tackles in a career. I was our conference player of the year, and I was All-State as well. of New Mexico, also received two years before me. I was the Daily Times Call football player of the year my senior season, an award my older brother, who now quarterbacks for the Univ. I helped lead my team to three state championship appearances, winning one state title my junior season. I was the captain of my football team my junior and senior seasons.
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Athletics helped build my character, and I am forever grateful for that. My mom was in the stands at every game, home or way, perched right at the 50-yard line.īeing a coach’s son created a lot of pressure, especially when all that I ever knew growing up was sports as I played football, baseball, basketball and volleyball.īeing raised in a household that revolved around sports was amazing. Even my sister was a manager for the football team in her offseason. My brother, two years older than me, was the star quarterback of our mid-sized town of Longmont, Colo. It was a family affair, with my dad the head coach at Silver Creek High School, where I eventually played linebacker. All my life my family lived and breathed football.